Coping with criticism

Hi

I picked up this article by Patricia Spadaro which is relevant to our lives and I want to share with you.

We all get by life's slings and arrows from time to time. These can come from a resident critic - a family member, friend, or a co-worker who always finds something wrong - or as an occasional putdown that catches you by surprise. What do you do when an insult is hurled your way, privately or publicly? Do you pretend you didn't hear it or hurl an insult right back? Do you internalise it or get angry and lash out. You may not be able to stop someone's nasty words or careless actions, but you can change how you deal with those barbs. They don't have to take you down or tempt you to retaliate.

Try these healthy and empowering tips to meet insults and criticism gracefully and appropriately.

i. Acknowledge your feelings.

Pressure can build when you don't acknowledge what is bothering you. When someone hurts you, especially someone close to you, you may stuff your feelings below the surface to avoid a confrontation, but your feelings are a key part of your internal guidance system - they warn you when something is wrong. By ignoring feelings, you create a larger problem to deal with later. By accepting the messages they bring, you will be able to deal more effectively with issues from the start.

Try this : Rather than slamming a lid over your emotions, notice them as they arise - without judging yourself or blaming others for making you upset. Ask yourself: if my feelings could talk right now, what would they say? What is this feeling asking me to do? What new choices can I make to help me feel at peace about this situation?

ii. Draw Clear Boundaries with Big Critics

You get to choose who and what you will tolerate in your life. If you are in a personal or working relationship with someone who tries to whittle down or whittle away your self esteem by constantly judging and belittling you, you owe it to yourself to create boundaries and to tell that person how you feel when that happens. It is important for your well being to remove yourself from that toxic energy. It can weigh you down, stunt your creativity, and make you feel depressed or sick.

Try this: Decide on a specific action you will take if the judger in your life continues to bombard you with criticism. Clearly, lovingly, and firmly tell him or her what you will do if it happens again. For example, you may decide to leave the room, politely excuse yourself from the phone call, or, if it is serious enough, end the relationship altogether. Be sure to follow through and take that action. When you honour yourself, you are training other other people to honour you.

iii. Look for the Nugget of Truth

The people in our lives - at home, at work, or in line at the grocery - are often our mirrors. They reflect back the impact of our words and actions. Another's words though harsh or spiteful, can awaken us to an aspect of our own behaviour we have refused to own up to. Although criticism can be hard to take, you can benefit from it by looking for the nugget of truth embedded in a painful situation.

Try this: Instead of overreacting to criticism and going on the attack, summon the courage to ask yourself: Does this criticism include the tiniest morsel of truth about me that I can learn from? Then ask yourself (and even the person who criticised you) how you can do better. That missing piece of information may very well be the key to your next spiritual and emotional growth spurt.

iv Correct Lies and Statements that Sabotage

When someone spreads dangerous rumours or lies that jeopardise your job or an important relationship, you can't ignore it. This is not the time to chatter behind closed doors with friends or wring your hands with worry. This is a time for positive action. Don't blame or shame the judgers by calling them names. Instead, focus on finding resolution by clearing inaccuracies in the sabotaging statements. There may be real misunderstandings that you now have the oppurtunity to clear up with facts. For example, actress Jane Fonda started her own blog to address the many rumours that swirl around her.

Try this: To get clarity, take several deep breaths and pull out a piece of paper. On one side, write down the false statement. On the other side, write down the truth as you see it. Ask to meet in person with those who have the misunderstanding and calmly explain how you feel and what the facts really are. If necessary, also put the correction in writing and send it to those involved. Even if others do not accept the truth, you have stood up for yourself and move on.

v Problem solve from the Heart

The world's sages teach that a quiet heart can lead us to the best solutions to any issue. When you are facing the knotty problem of how to deal with someone's unkindness or sharp criticism, you will handle the situation better by moving into your heart. Do not impulsively shoot from the hip (or the mouth). Pick your favourite techique for centering before making a decision.

Try this: Get out of your head and relax heated emotions by centering in your heart. Simply close your eyes and breathe deeply, then see and feel a flame burning brightly in your heart. Or take a few minutes to recall an experience that makes you feel happy or grateful. Once you feel a real sense of joy or peace, turn back to the issue at hand. Ask yourself: "What is the best way for me to resolve this issue? What is my next step?" Then listen for the answer that arises.