Coping with criticism

Hi

I picked up this article by Patricia Spadaro which is relevant to our lives and I want to share with you.

We all get by life's slings and arrows from time to time. These can come from a resident critic - a family member, friend, or a co-worker who always finds something wrong - or as an occasional putdown that catches you by surprise. What do you do when an insult is hurled your way, privately or publicly? Do you pretend you didn't hear it or hurl an insult right back? Do you internalise it or get angry and lash out. You may not be able to stop someone's nasty words or careless actions, but you can change how you deal with those barbs. They don't have to take you down or tempt you to retaliate.

Try these healthy and empowering tips to meet insults and criticism gracefully and appropriately.

i. Acknowledge your feelings.

Pressure can build when you don't acknowledge what is bothering you. When someone hurts you, especially someone close to you, you may stuff your feelings below the surface to avoid a confrontation, but your feelings are a key part of your internal guidance system - they warn you when something is wrong. By ignoring feelings, you create a larger problem to deal with later. By accepting the messages they bring, you will be able to deal more effectively with issues from the start.

Try this : Rather than slamming a lid over your emotions, notice them as they arise - without judging yourself or blaming others for making you upset. Ask yourself: if my feelings could talk right now, what would they say? What is this feeling asking me to do? What new choices can I make to help me feel at peace about this situation?

ii. Draw Clear Boundaries with Big Critics

You get to choose who and what you will tolerate in your life. If you are in a personal or working relationship with someone who tries to whittle down or whittle away your self esteem by constantly judging and belittling you, you owe it to yourself to create boundaries and to tell that person how you feel when that happens. It is important for your well being to remove yourself from that toxic energy. It can weigh you down, stunt your creativity, and make you feel depressed or sick.

Try this: Decide on a specific action you will take if the judger in your life continues to bombard you with criticism. Clearly, lovingly, and firmly tell him or her what you will do if it happens again. For example, you may decide to leave the room, politely excuse yourself from the phone call, or, if it is serious enough, end the relationship altogether. Be sure to follow through and take that action. When you honour yourself, you are training other other people to honour you.

iii. Look for the Nugget of Truth

The people in our lives - at home, at work, or in line at the grocery - are often our mirrors. They reflect back the impact of our words and actions. Another's words though harsh or spiteful, can awaken us to an aspect of our own behaviour we have refused to own up to. Although criticism can be hard to take, you can benefit from it by looking for the nugget of truth embedded in a painful situation.

Try this: Instead of overreacting to criticism and going on the attack, summon the courage to ask yourself: Does this criticism include the tiniest morsel of truth about me that I can learn from? Then ask yourself (and even the person who criticised you) how you can do better. That missing piece of information may very well be the key to your next spiritual and emotional growth spurt.

iv Correct Lies and Statements that Sabotage

When someone spreads dangerous rumours or lies that jeopardise your job or an important relationship, you can't ignore it. This is not the time to chatter behind closed doors with friends or wring your hands with worry. This is a time for positive action. Don't blame or shame the judgers by calling them names. Instead, focus on finding resolution by clearing inaccuracies in the sabotaging statements. There may be real misunderstandings that you now have the oppurtunity to clear up with facts. For example, actress Jane Fonda started her own blog to address the many rumours that swirl around her.

Try this: To get clarity, take several deep breaths and pull out a piece of paper. On one side, write down the false statement. On the other side, write down the truth as you see it. Ask to meet in person with those who have the misunderstanding and calmly explain how you feel and what the facts really are. If necessary, also put the correction in writing and send it to those involved. Even if others do not accept the truth, you have stood up for yourself and move on.

v Problem solve from the Heart

The world's sages teach that a quiet heart can lead us to the best solutions to any issue. When you are facing the knotty problem of how to deal with someone's unkindness or sharp criticism, you will handle the situation better by moving into your heart. Do not impulsively shoot from the hip (or the mouth). Pick your favourite techique for centering before making a decision.

Try this: Get out of your head and relax heated emotions by centering in your heart. Simply close your eyes and breathe deeply, then see and feel a flame burning brightly in your heart. Or take a few minutes to recall an experience that makes you feel happy or grateful. Once you feel a real sense of joy or peace, turn back to the issue at hand. Ask yourself: "What is the best way for me to resolve this issue? What is my next step?" Then listen for the answer that arises.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri

Salam to all,

Some of us will weep the passing of Ramadhan and some of us - well better not say it. In any event Hari Raya Aidil Fitri is upon us and the upcoming RAE exam notice will be or has been published in the national newspapers. For those that rely on the electronic media for news - go to MCMC website and download the relevant information and do remember to pay the amount for the examination.

So may all your ibadah during the Ramadhan be blessed by Allah and may the blessings of Allah be on you. Funny though during Ramadhan we show restraint, understanding and compassion but after Ramadhan - shucks - it looks like its been thrown out the window.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya to all and may you be safe wherever you are.

From the bottom of my heart, I seek your forgiveness if I had ever wronged any of you in any way.

73 de 9W2SBS signing off.

Its been a long time

Salam and Hi, you all.

Yeah right, I apologise and yeah I know... This blog of mine has been ignored for a long time. My apologies not that I am vain enough to think that there are readers out there.

However a redeeming feature is that, i may have been quiet on the blogging front, (here and on the other one) it appears that I've been quite active on the social utility network called Face Book and those who are my FB friends have been getting updates on what has been happening to me and my family (no not the Mafia family - my real family you know Salmiah, Azlan, Imran and Sharidan), which has been S2D2, makan ulam, being sick and what not (Er, the makan part during buka, okay?)

Ramadhan has been smooth-sailing so far, syukur alhamdulillah. The family is facing it stoically and patiently - no more questions on why we should puasa. Well I guess my kids are big enough to know about the matter. It does help that the first day of Ramadhan was a Saturday and that that the first week of Ramadhan was during the school holidays plus Alhamdullilah the weather was kind.

Sahur, too, was not a nightmare with the kids - but hey they have grown up - and yes the years pass by without us parents noticing it. My better half is indeed the blessing in this house of mine. She would prepare everything and wake all of us up at 5:00a.m for Sahur without fail, except for that one day when she fell down and hurt herself. She is okay now but for the bruises on her hand and arm.

For our berbuka, we would hunt at the USJ 4 Bazaar Ramadhan. I would look for my nasi kerabu and the family for their favorite dish.

There's one stall which sells all sorts of kueh-mueh which I like. Their kuehs are tasty, and nicely made (comel) and clean. They sell very nice Kueh Kochi and badak berendam, the wife of course would look out for kuih ceria or is it Keria?). Then there is the queue for more than half an hour for the Popiah Basah which is definitely not for me.

Well as we approach the second half of Ramadhan which incidentally brings more blessings to us, insya Allah, I wish for all my friends and enemies (i hope not to have any but then again who knows) may Allah's blessings be on you and may your fast today and yesterday be rewarded with more than just hunger and thirst.

What is life?

What is life? George Harrison asked about it in his dark horse album. Critical thinkers tinkered about it. Even Harry Potter pottered on it. So just what is life? I think life is just what we fill it with. First with the main agenda in our life the big rocks then the small stones and pebbles and lastly the sands of time.

After all that is said and done what is our life and what we do with it denotes what we have been and what we have been doing. To quote DUmbledore of Harry Potter fame "it is not the abilities that we have that make us, it is what we do with those abilities that is going to define us".

Till the next time then. Do something with your life.

The true meaning of being a friend.

Hi

today I'd like to relate and reflect on the true meaning of being a friend.
You see we always take things for granted and we assume that when we call friend up, he will always be available. Unfortunately that assumption is hazardous and always a dangerous state of affairs.

When we call upon friend we are asking a commitment from him and when he fails to deliver we feel disappointed and let down.

I guess what we should be saying is - is it fair to ask of our friends something anything for that matter and expect full compliance and committment.

Untilltyne next time.

MARTS AGM

Hi,

As you would be aware, I had made a call for the members to convince the National Council to hold the Annual General Meeting for the society which incidentally is long over due.

The society is what we make it and what we want it to be. I truly would be sad if through the inaction or omission we allow the society to be de - registered just because we fail to hold the AGM. I also understand that the reason for not holding the AGM is related to the accounts which unfortunately has not been prepared and audited.

Why this sorry state of affairs has come about is any one's answer. Were we remiss when we elected the current council to hold office and were they remiss when they appointed the Treasurer? Well to me that is water under the bridge and no use in crying over split milk. The deed has been done and now we have to rectify it.

However, for me NOT to hold the AGM and comply with the constitution smacks of irresponsiblity. You may say that it is easy for me to say so when I do not know the pressures and limitations of the Council - and yes I heartily agree with you. It is easy for me to say so but it takes guts to say it in public and request for it to be done.

So gentlemen, please hold the AGM, if the accounts are not ready so be it. Hold the AGM to have the election of the new office bearers, Hold the AGM so as to comply with requirements of the law, HOLD the AGM so as not to cause the honourable society to be de registered.

My sentiments on it has been made known at the last AGM held in Bachok Kelantan, though it was not reported in the minutes. My motion to censure the Committee too was not recorded but that is past and my sentiments still remain the same. I am passionate about the society and I recognise the sacrifices made by my predecessors in setting up the society and in running the society.

So please Mr. President and Mr. Honorary Secretary, issue the notice to call the AGM and if need be the sole agenda would be to hold the election for the office bearers.

I remain,

faithfully yours,
9W2SBS

Leadership in the Office #2

Hi again,

continuing on the series - this time we will jot down the various leadership style.

Leadership style

Study of great leaders, past and present, shows that in one way or another they had the gift of getting people to give their best. We are all born with an individual set of talents. We can acquire some more; but others are more difficult to develop. Most people can improve their communication skills but find it difficult to acquire a sense of humour.

The first thing to do in developing your own leadership style is to make the best use of what you have and not to worry too much about what you haven't. A sense of humour is certainly a great help on many occasions, but there have been many successful leaders who have gotten by without one.

To develop and build on each talent you need to match your own character and personality to the range of leadership tools and qualities. There is no mould or blueprint, but do not hesitate to follow the example of others whose leadership you admire, provided there is some match to your own personality. For instance there is no use aping Winston Churchill if you can't match his linguistic skills.

So you must be yourself and not pretend to be what you are not. You must also be ready to adapt your leadership style to varying situations. Being firts on the scene at a road traffic accident calls for a very different style of leadership to chairing a meeting.

Commanding a war ship is very much different from being a manager in a civilian office environment. Indeed some of my friends find the adjustment very difficult. Command is not automatically adhered to and respect has to be earned and does not rest on how broad or how many stripes there is on your shoulder board.

There is nothing dishonest about adapting your style to suit the situation: indeed it is good leadership to do so.

Till the next time - have a happy weekend and do seek out a leader that you most admire and try to copy him, a word of advise though - no one can copy Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamed. Be warned.

de 9W2SBS